Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The weight of being alone

A few months ago my future daughter-in-law Montana brought her best friend Arden over to see my house before I moved in. After we'd walked through the empty rooms she asked me, "Who's going to live here with you?"

I said, "Nobody. I'm going to live here by myself."

"What? You can't live here in this big house alone! Won't you be scared?" she asked.

I wasn't sure what the size of the house had to do with my living alone. Houses aren't like jeans or rings or shoes or condoms. They don't have to fit a certain way. A house can't be too big to live in alone. "No," I said, "I've lived alone for several years now. I'm not afraid to live here alone." I was turning off the lights so we could leave and go out dancing at a club.

"I would be," she said. "I would be afraid to live here alone. It's so big."

"You'd probably get used to it," I said. "It's one of those things I find easier than I would have thought when I was married and living with my kids and husband."

"Hmmm," she said. I don't think she was convinced.

"Even if you're not scared, won't you be lonely?" she asked. "I couldn't live here alone because I'd be lonely." We walked out the front door into the frigid winter air.

"Yes, sometimes I'll be lonely. Sometimes I am now," I said, pulling the heavy front door shut. 

"I couldn't take that," she said.

"I was married for decades," I said, "and I was often lonely. I'd rather be lonely by myself here in my own house than lonely in the same room with someone who is close enough to touch. Also, it's much easier to do something about feeling lonely if I'm alone. It never lasts long now."

"Ahh," she said. "That makes sense. See you at the club." She and Montana headed to her car, and I toward mine. Alone, but not lonely.

Someone sent me a message about the post I wrote recently about dating. More on that conversation soon, but that conversation reminded me of the conversation with Arden.

And it reminded me that a lot of people date or stay in relationships because they think they can't stand to be alone. Possibly one of the reasons I don't date is because I'm fine alone. Not that I don't miss certain aspects of being in an intimate relationship. I do .... and sometimes that missing is sharp and insistent.

But I really would rather be alone than enter into the wrong relationship, or into a relationship for the wrong reasons. I won't settle for that just because I'm alone, or even because I'm lonely.

One friend suggested I haven't dated in a long time because I'm not ready, but nothing could be further from the truth. I haven't dated because I'm not willing to let the wrong guy onto my island .... again -- not that the shores of my island are teaming with willing victims suitors. That, though, is the topic of another post.

The real reason I haven't dated in so long is because I feel no urgency to do so. The worst loneliness doesn't come from being alone. The worst loneliness comes from needing someone who is emotionally unavailable. I've watched too many people tilt at that windmill, and done it myself too many times too. I intend to avoid that, even if it means I'm alone in my big house.

What are your thoughts on being alone? Does the idea make you lonely? Or is it your normal, like it is mine?


(Photo credit: freedigitalphotos.net)


10 comments:

  1. Lonely and alone are not the same. I used to live out in the country and people asked me if I was afraid..I said no it is the city where the crime is happening.

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    1. I feel some comfort from having lots of people nearby. I think I'd be more afraid in the country -- if I were afraid at all. I do everything I can to protect myself and my stuff, and then I let it go.

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  2. "The worst loneliness doesn't come from being alone. The worst loneliness comes from needing someone who is emotionally unavailable."

    THIS. having been there relatively recently, it was a huge relief to stop needing that.

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    1. Sometimes it feels good to give up on a lost cause. It doesn't mean you have to give up on the person ... just your expectations.

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  3. To a great extent, being alone is the common denominator. The miracle is that we make contact with someone else at all. The best relationships have trust and faith fill in when communication fail. We're all alone most of the time.

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    1. True that, Bo. Sometimes being alone with other people is a connection just waiting to happen.

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  4. Thank you for sharing. What is "alone" is it an emotion, a feeling? I'm not sure and willing to ask the question for conjecture?

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    1. No, alone is not a feeling. It's simply a fact. Loneliness is a feeling.

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  5. I know loneliness and I know the worse loneliness of being in a relationship, feeling lonely and even hopeless. You said it so well. I live in the country, in the middle of a huge and sometimes scary high desert. I do not live alone right now; some of my kids live here while they are in school. If they were to all move out and I was afraid, I guess I'd buy and learn to use a gun. There are all kinds of gun clubs out here in this desert. Maybe I'll never buy a gun. it might be fun to practice target shooting, I dunno. Maybe I'd be more afraid in a city. I've lived alone in a city and wasn't particularly afraid, but I was lonely sometimes. I always thought it was a part of life and that the solution is like you say to do something about it. As for dating. Now I don't have to write my post about it because you pulled the thoughts right out of my mind. Amen, my sister.

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    1. Amen back at you, sister. We've definitely got some parallels.

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