Monday, November 23, 2015

NaBloPoMo #23: How do you draw a tube anyway? (NSFW)

I was digging through my possibilities file looking for something to write about tonight, and I ran across these videos of women drawing their perfect penises and men drawing vaginas. The first one is women drawing penises.

(Note: My kids should stop reading here. It's your own fault if you don't listen to your mother.)

Assuming you've watched the video, let me tell you a story that may or may not have happened. One night after Wednesday karaoke a friend an acquaintance walked out to the parking lot behind a sex shop with me. We noticed a neon sign that read "Peep show 25 cents," and we talked about it for a while. He wondered what went on during a peep show. I imparted what I knew of such things, which was not first-hand knowledge, and certainly could have been a lie told to me. As we walked up to my van, I jokingly said, "I'll give you a quarter for a peep show."

And just as if he were pulling a rabbit out of a hat, he did. He gave me a peep. Of course, there is, or there isn't, more to the story. And if there were, the story might or might not include a police car cruising by, which I found amusing, and then ..... well, none of that is really important to what I want to say about the video.

Later, I told the story to a couple of a few women friends (before you accuse me of kissing and telling, I must say that we did not kiss. Also, I'm single. I do what I want. But back to the penis ....), and every one of them said, "Was it a good one?" Meaning, of course, his penis. And I replied, "Yes, it was a pretty penis." The parking lot behind the sex shop is well lit, so I can say that with some authority. Then again, as my maternal grandmother used to say, "They all look alike." And before you go slut-shaming my grandma, you should know that she was a nurse, and that's why she saw a lot of penises and could make the judgement that they all looked alike.

Anyway, I've never had sex, or not had sex, based on what a guy's penis looked like. But that's not the first thing the women are asked for in the video. They are asked to draw the perfect size penis. They even have rulers so they can measure.

Compare that to the video of the men drawing vaginas (using the word "vagina" to mean all the lady bits).

Awww. Aren't those guys cute? I'm just going to note that it was OK to briefly show an older, and obviously experienced, woman about to draw a penis, but nobody wants to see an older guy drawing a vagina. Make of that what you will. It's not the topic.

The second video, the one of the guys drawing, made me think about my own view of my lady bits, and I have to say I never really wondered how they compared to any other woman's lady bits. It's the one part of my body I never worried about. I never once considered whether my vagina was pretty. Partly, I suppose, because it takes some effort to even look there so I don't very often, and also because women don't stand around in the bathroom sneaking glances to see if we live up to some standard. We are blessed by this one part of our anatomy that is hidden enough that we don't have to feel inferior. I have many body issues, but this was the one area I didn't have to worry about. I never once considered that a guy wouldn't want to have sex with me because of the appearance of my labia, my vulva, or my vagina. (Hair not withstanding.)

At least I didn't worry about it until the voices of the internet started telling me I really was worried about what my vagina looked like. I started seeing lots of articles about how women feel insecure about the size of their labia or the size of their vaginas (something about a hot dog and a hallway?), whether it's an innie or an outie. No, I thought, I really don't care what it looks like down there. It looks like what vaginas look like. And yet, Yes, the voices insisted. You do care. A man even made a big wall of plaster vaginas  so women everywhere would feel OK about their weird, but normal, vaginas. In other words, I didn't know my vagina might not be pretty until somebody else told me I thought it might not be pretty, and then I had to think about that shit.

And I guess a lot of women took that shit seriously, because they're letting plastic surgeons amputate parts of their lady bits (shudder). If you look at any contemporary nude photography or porn, you can see the evidence: all hair shaved, labia cut off. No wonder these poor guys didn't know what to draw.

Anyway, the drawings of the penises all look pretty much the same. Or maybe I should say the differences are not enough to make a difference. Just as my grandma said. You probably won't see anybody making a wall of plaster penises to reassure men that their penises are all unusual, yet perfectly special, snowflakes.

Which is why asking a woman to draw her perfect penis is pretty easy. And asking a man to describe his ideal vagina is ludicrous. In my experience, availability and humidity seem to be the criteria for an ideal vagina, not what it looks like.

In the end, the perfect penis looks like every other penis, and the perfect vagina can't be drawn because what it looks like doesn't really matter. Which makes the penis and the vagina pretty much the same. In other words, nobody cares what your penis looks like and nobody cares what your vagina looks like. It doesn't fucking matter, because it's the fucking that matters.

Isn't that a relief?
Found on the internet and
stolen with little effort

I was going to draw my perfect  penis and vagina, and then challenge you to do the same and send me your drawings, but let's be honest. You'd think it might be fun, but you're busy, and Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away, and anyway ..... what the hell would you draw? Would it look that different from the ones in the video? Or mine? Probably not. Not that I wouldn't be entertained if you did .... draw something and send it to me (no photos please), but I'm not going to beg.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I never did pay my quarter for the peep show in the parking lot behind the sex shop. Ooops! My bad! Better luck next time.

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