Monday, November 30, 2015

NaBloPoMo #30: Coralineisms #109

I made it! One post every day in November. I didn't even run out of material to write about, so I need to keep going in December. Not every day. Who's that fucking crazy? But 3-4 times a week. I can do that.

I'm going to end the month with some Coralineisms. I've almost depleted my stash, but she's a renewable resource. In no particular order, here we go.

Tell me you didn't expect a vagina joke

Coraline: Look what I did to my spider. (Holds up one of those stinky, sticky, icky spiders you get in gumball machines. The ones that leave a greasy spot on the wall.)
Me: What did you do to it?
Coraline: I made it into a girl spider.
Me: Was it a boy before?
Coraline: Yes. And I made it into a girl.
Me: What did you do?
Coraline: I gave it a ponytail.

Modern-day vampire slayer

Coraline: I'm not afraid of any vampires.
Me: You're not?
Coraline: No. If any vampire tries to get me, I'm going to take him down and beat his attitude.

Big sneeze ...

Me: Oh, thanks. You just blew snot all over my arm.
Coraline: (Because everything is an argument with this child.) No, 
Mamá. That's not snot. That's just sneeze juice.

A woman's work is never done

Coraline: Mamá, I killed all the zombies!
Me: Who's going to clean that mess up?
Coraline: (heavy sigh) I guess I am. I'm the hunter.
Me: So you're the hunter and the cleaner?
Coraline: Yep. .... Mamá, I need a towel with some water on it to clean up that zombie mess.


Coraline: Did you have a fun birthday party?
Me: It was pretty fun. Small, but fun. Except that Linda .... remember Linda whose swimming pool we go to sometimes? .... she fell on the front porch and broke her shoulder.
Coraline: Oh.
Me: You don't sound very concerned. It's a bad hurt.
Coraline: I know, but she'll be OK. She didn't actually break it off.
Me: I guess that's one way of looking at it.

She's going to hate me for this some day

Coraline: I need to itch my vagina.
Me: You don't need my permission. Go ahead and do it.
Coraline: I can't. My jeans are getting in the way.
Me: Just stick your hand down the front. Your jeans are big enough.
Coraline: Good idea, Mamá. That's what we call a short cut.

A big thank you to Coraline for basically writing 3 of my posts this month. I needed her help tonight after I spent close to 2 hours cutting up a pink banana squash the size of a 2-year-old. For perspective, Coraline is 45" tall -- evidence of Vikings on both sides of the family.

In any case, that squash would feed a small country for a month. I thought I'd never get it peeled and chopped. I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought it other than that it was cheap and the bigger ones didn't cost more than the smaller ones. Well, bigger isn't always better when you have to wrestle the thing down and make it into something edible. Remember that.

Thanks for reading this month. I'll see you back here in a couple of days with some interesting news about vaginas. 

Hugs and kisses,

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