NaBloPoMo Day 3: The privilege of having my boobs squished

Today I felt grateful as a young woman in a United States Air Force uniform smoothed and stretched and kneaded and smashed my breasts between metal and plastic plates in a big machine. Four times. Three weeks ago I felt grateful when someone stuck some duck lips in my vagina, opened them up and -- with just a little pinch -- scraped some cells from my cervix with a wooden scraper (ouch), and then sent them to someone else who tested them to see if I had cancer. I even felt grateful when she stuck her finger up my ass, even though neither of us enjoyed it. I felt grateful because there's some crazy shit going on out there in politicsland, and my heart breaks for those women -- mostly poor and underprivileged -- who won't be able to afford to get their breasts squished or their cervices scraped, and neither will they get their birth control, their pregnancy tests, their STD tests, and yes, even their *abortions.

A couple of weeks ago I watched in horror as the Ohio Senate voted to cut all state funding for Planned Parenthood. The hearings were a travesty. Proponents of the bill were allowed to talk as long as they wanted, and to present all manner of lies, easily debunked lies. Like that fucking video. Don't get me started on that fucking video. The next day opponents of the bill were restricted to 2 minutes each. Pretty blatant, right? Robert's Rules anybody?

And then the senators talked. The particularly arrogant Senator Bill Seitz made what I considered an especially offensive argument. He said they'd been whittling away at state funding for Planned Parenthood for years now, and only $1.4 million of support was left. A pittance compared to all the other money PP gets in federal funds. So why not just put a bullet in it and get it over with. He couldn't even understand why they'd had to waste their time talking about it. It was like he resented women needing health care.

And all I could think is how many medical procedures and tests and counseling sessions $1.4 million would pay for. And yet it's such a small sum to Senator Misogyny, he doesn't think he should have to have to do his fucking job and talk about it.

You know what though? I'll bet Senator Seitz likes a healthy pink vagina just fine when he wants a warm, wet one to stick his penis into. But apparently he doesn't give one fuck about all the other vaginas out there, nor the women who are attached to them. I hope he never gets to see another vagina again in his pathetic privileged life.

I'm so discouraged, you guys. And angry. Really fucking angry. No matter how hard some of us kick and punch and yell, those assholes won't stay out of our vaginas. It's a scary time to be a woman. And that's why I'm even more devoted to supporting Planned Parenthood.

So to that end, this weekend I'm performing in a show titled All the Sex Monologues. The show is being sponsored by PUSH Dayton (Professionals United for Sexual Health), a group that does fundraisers and other activities to raise money and awareness for Planned Parenthood.

Back in August PUSH put out a call for submissions of monologues about all aspects of sexual health. I submitted an adapted version of a post titled "I'm Not Licking That," and it was

Ironic drawing on the white
board in one of our rehearsal
spaces. If you don't know what
it looks like, you need to visit
your local sex shop soon.

accepted. A few weeks later I had to audition to perform it.

I was surprisingly nervous about auditioning my own words. I was afraid I couldn't memorize such a long piece. Or that it wouldn't be funny. Or that they'd think I was too old to talk about licking or to do the loud orgasm in the middle of the piece. (PUSH is a group for young professionals). I almost psyched myself out of it, but I'm glad I didn't. Turns out the director thought I was the best person to perform my own words after all. And as it turns out, I'm the second-oldest woman in the show.

So Saturday night and Sunday afternoon I'll be on stage at a local gay bar where drag queens and kings usually strut their stuff, and did I mention I'll be performing my very own monologue? It's an antidote to the shit I wrote about last night. So even though I'm not getting paid for this either, I'm glad I can help raise money for Planned parenthood so other women can get their boobs squished and their cervices scraped, and yes, even an abortion if they choose to.

Of course I hope we sell out both performances, because it's going to take a lot of $20 tickets to make up for that paltry $1.4 million dollars the state of Ohio won't be spending in support of the best option for women's health we've had since 1916, when PP opened their first clinic. I wish Margaret Sanger and Jesus were both were alive today to kick some politicians' Bible-thumping asses, especially Senator Seitz's.

If you're feeling as pissed off and discouraged as I am over the radical attempts to limit and control women's health care, please support Planned Parenthood as one way of fighting back. If you live in the Dayton area, you can also buy a ticket to All the Sex Monologues and come see the performance. Or buy a ticket and give it to someone else. If you live further away, consider making a donation or joining a march or voting out those awful tea-bagging politicians who somehow have their heads up their own asses and our vaginas at the very same time.

We need to fight back for all the women who can't afford the health care I was so privileged to not enjoy today.


* Abortions account for only 3% Planned Parenthood's services. Not that it matters, because like it or not, abortions are legal.