NaBloPoMo #9: If I fake it, I won't make it

Recently I ran across an article titled, "7 Reasons Why I Fake Orgasms." I read it because I can't think of one reason to fake an orgasm, much less seven of them. I mean, yeah, if I were a prostitute I would totally fake orgasms, but that's a job. That's for money. I've never gotten paid for an orgasm, so any orgasms I've had belonged to me. After decades of fucking I have never, not once, faked an orgasm. Other than the ones I've faked on stage, that is. But that doesn't count. I doubt anybody really thought I was really getting off up there in the white-hot lights, although .... I don't know. I'm really very good at faking an orgasm, and somewhere on this blog there's a video of me doing just that. I can't imagine doing it other than to entertain a crowd though ... faking it, I mean.

I have to take the author's word for it that she finds the need to fake it often enough to make a list. I'll try to boil her reasons down. Number one makes no sense to me, so sorry, I can't paraphrase that one. Otherwise, it's so he won't feel like a failure, so he won't take it personally if she can't get off, cuddling is enough, she doesn't want to bruise his ego, she didn't really want to have sex, and she got started without him and also finished without him with her vibrator.

I can boil those down to one thing: This woman (and I assume others, because there were some "me too" comments) fakes orgasms to protect her man's ego. To make him feel like he accomplished something he didn't really do, because his ego is so fragile he might .... what? Sink into a deep depression if she didn't orgasm for any of the above reasons? Lose his superpenis power? In other words, her orgasms are about pleasing him, and not about pleasing herself. Did I read that right?

I guess I'm one selfish bitch. I'm happy as fuck if my orgasm increases my partner's pleasure, and I'm not surprised if it does. A woman's orgasm is one powerful aphrodisiac. I fucking know it and I own it. It's a gift, like when your mom used to let you lick the frosting bowl, only better. But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I'm not a dog doing tricks for her master. My orgasm has to be earned to be appreciated.

I knew a woman once who had been with her husband for over 10 years, and she'd faked every orgasm she'd ever had with him. Every single one. First of all, she must have been one hell of a faker, because I was married for far longer than 10 years, and my husband would have known if I faked it. But I guess if she'd faked it from the beginning, he had nothing to compare. I felt sorry for him. It seemed like she'd cheated him out of an authentic experience, and that's not something you do to someone you love and want to share intimacy with. Or I wouldn't. By the time she told me the story, she figured he'd be devastated if he ever found out, so she was doomed to continue faking it with him.

Then again, men fake it too. I was once in a relationship with a guy who faked my orgasms. Yes, he acted like he'd brought me to orgasm when I'd given no indication that I'd actually arrived at that goal. He made himself so happy, but me .... not so much. I'm sure he's still out there disappointing other women with gusto. He should probably hook up with the woman in the paragraph above. They'd be perfect for each other.

Are men's egos really so fragile that they can't hear, "Honey, I'm tired tonight. I'd like to have sex, but I just don't have the energy for an orgasm. Let's just skip me tonight"? Or, "I've had 2 bottles of wine, so it's going to happen tonight, but I've enjoyed all of this. Can we just stop and pick up here in a day or two after my hangover subsides"? How about, "I don't know why you're smiling. You're not even close to done down there. Don't think you won the prize with that performance, buddy, because it's not happening"? Or maybe, "Hey, you weren't anywhere close to my clit, but better lick next time."

To be fair, the author of the article didn't say she faked it because the guy was inept, but if I were to fake orgasms, I certainly wouldn't take all the blame. If I didn't get there, chances are he didn't want to do what it takes (see guy above) or it had nothing to do with him or his fragile ego.

And speaking of fragile egos, if I were a man, I would be offended that my lover thought I was so narcissistic and sensitive that I couldn't hold up if my partner said she didn't want to or couldn't have an orgasm. For any reason. I'd want to know if it was my technique that failed. And I'd want to know if she was OK with having sex without an orgasm. How damn hard is it to just be honest? Imagine being the guy who was duped. He thinks he's having an authentic, intimate experience, but he's really on his own.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I can't imagine any time I was having consensual sex when I would fake an orgasm. What about you, ladies? Have you done it? Would you? Do lesbians fake orgasms? Men can fake it too. What about you guys? Have you ever faked it?